this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
vagina is talking i cant
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
