tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
