the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
