none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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