nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
