dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
