I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
