I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
