When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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