People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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