Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have feelings that need drinking.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
