He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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