I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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