i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
