I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
