I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i just had sex bonerless
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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