Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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