Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
