Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
