My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
