I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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