You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
