Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
