Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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