never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
