We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
