She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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