Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
