when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
