my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
