I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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