Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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