I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
