I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
