So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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