Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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