Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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