Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
