he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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