Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
