he wants to bone in the snuggie
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
