My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
