i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
