Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
