I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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