And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
