Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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