i used baking grease as lip gloss
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
