Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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