He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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