I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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